Watch out - Findus about
Narrator
It's the Adventures of Captain Birdseye!
Captain
Ahoy there! I'm Captain Birdseye!
Kids
Yay!
Katie
Captain, sensors report pirate vessel to north-east, approaching
fast!
Captain
Sensors?
Katie
My eyes Captain. Look through that porthole.
Captain
Aar, you be right. Engage evasive manoeuvres!
Billy
What?
Captain
Run away, Billy. Very fast.
Billy
It's too late! They're boarding us!
FX
Door broken open
Pirate
Yo ho ho! Hoist the Jolly Roger!
Captain
Oh no! They've got my cod fillet steaks!
Pirate
With the fish steaks kidnapped, we can discover the secret of the
crunchy coating!
Katie
Couldn't you just have bought a packet?
Pirate
What?
Katie
You know, from the shops.
Pirate
Insolent wench! You can all walk the plank!
Captain
Nice going Katie.
FX
pause; outdoor sea noises in background
Billy
Wh-what do we do now, Captain?
Captain
Keep walking.
Katie
There's only a couple of metres of plank left to walk. Best come up
with a plan.
Captain
Aar... I know... I'll... er...
Pirate
Avast! Into the briny swell, landlubbers!
Captain
Oww! I...
All
[Falling] argh!
FX
Splash. Bed fades and sea noises increase as boat sails away over:
Katie
I see. Fall into the sea. Good plan.
Captain
Well, he cut me! With his cutlass! I've got a minor wound here!
And he called me a landlubber!
Billy
Er, Captain...
Captain
I mean, I am not a landlubber!
Billy
Look!
Captain
I'm Captain Birdseye...
Kids
[tired] Yay!
Captain
...the world's most famous sailor! [withering] Landlubber!
Billy
Captain, what is that over there, coming towards us?
Katie
Oh. Those are... sharks...
Billy
Have they come to rescue us?
Katie
[beat] No... [increasingly scared] Captain... I think it would be very
good idea to swim towards that desert island over there.... quite...
fast.
Captain
[quickly] Oh, OK.
FX
Swimming: splashing sounds, increasing panting sounds.
Nicky
[out of breath] Captain, help!
Katie
Nicky is falling behind!
Captain
Aar.
Nicky
[panic] Argh! Help! <scream>
Billy
The sharks eated Nicky Captain!
Captain
Keep swimming. [pause] Nearly there.
FX
Splashing subsides, reaching shore
Captain
Phew. We made it.
Billy
Except...
Captain
[not particularly concerned] Yes, except for Nicky.
FX
Drumming, quiet in distance, increasing
Billy
Look! New friends for us to play with! They've brought toys... no...
not toys... they're...
Katie
[scared] Shrivelled human heads! Noooo!
Captain
Never fear, kids! I'll just give them my new crispy battered halibut
hunks! I always keep a packet in my pocket, for emergencies!
Kids
Yay!
Cannibal
[drumming stops] Oogo booya treek omass?
Captain
Bungah craye soot Captain Birdseye ogo halibut akool crispy batter?
Cannibal
Wakoy batter orris weltig rhubarb bloody rubbish.
Captain
Oh.
Katie
[scared whisper] What did he say, Captain?
Captain
Apparently he prefers the tender, delicate taste of fresh human
child-flesh.
Katie
<scream, whimper>
Billy
[building tension] Captain... they're taking their scary masks off...
they're...
Cannibal/Findus
[cheerful] Hello!!
Captain
<gasp>! Fleet Commander Findus! And Lieutenant Ross! You
mean...?
Cannibal/Findus
Yes! It was all a practical joke! Funny, eh?
Pirate/Ross
Yes Sir! The joke was very funny, Sir!
Captain
<laugh> Yeah! That was clever! And Ross, you were the pirate
who took my ship! You really had me going there!
Ross
Yes Sir! Very funny, ha! ha! ...Sir. Your boat's back there in the
lagoon.
Billy
What about Nicky, Captain? Were the sharks a pranticle joke too?
Findus
Err... no, the sharks were real.
Captain
Oh well, I never liked Nicky anyway.
Narrator
More exciting adventures with Captain Birdseye next time!
Findus
[persuading] Funny... ha, ha?
Katie
You are so dead.