Losertown: Purple Tablets

So, do you like these new Purple tablets then?

Oh yes David.

Why's that then?

Well, as CEO of Beaver Brothers, I'm getting a great big bonus thanks to the money we're making selling Purple tablets to gullible scum, Matthew.

So they're not an amazing advance in washing powder science?

[laugh] Christ no, Gerald. It's the same old tat we've been re-inventing for the last two decades.

But what about the innovations? The new brands?

Oh, powders, liquids, tablets - it's all the same stuff. It helps Beaver keep up with Sprockett and Ramble. When they have a dozen identical brands, the best way to gain market share is just to launch more, identical brands. You see.

Identical? Surely there's some difference.

Of course, Steve. Purple tablets are aimed at middle-class scum, whilst, say, Scurf automatic is marketed at working-class scum.

Which is why you use those two cheap tarts from Birds of a Feather.

Exactly...

So what are you working on now?

Here, try this. Newest invention from Beaver Brothers labs.

<sniff> It... [unsure] smells like... turds.

That's right Alan. It's the new aroma for our fabric conditioner range.

And you think this will be popular?

Oh yes, market research show that our target market enjoys the genuine country smell of fresh manure.

Target market?

You know, the kind of dense middle-aged mums who still think fabric conditioner actually does something.

Oh.

After the success of Spring Fresh, Summer Breeze, Autumn Aroma, Winter Whiff, Whitsun Stink, Country Cornfield, Japanese Garden and Wallpaper Fresh, we think that new Komfort Smells-of-Sh[bleep] will be our greatest seller yet.

That's Komfort spelled with a 'K'.

Obviously.

So which of your identical washing products do you use, then?

Don't be bloody thick. I don't wash clothes. I get a fresh new suit every morning.

Bit of a b[beep]d really, aren't you?

Yes.