Losertown: Wood Facts

We interrupt this song to bring you, the consumer, important news about a new product that you, the consumer, will definitely want to buy unless you are a big fairy communist. A must for all fans of Craig David, this beautifully-illustrated set of spittle-proof laminated fact-filled cards will introduce you, the consumer, to the mysterious and fascinating world of wood.

[low booming with heavy echo] Wooood Faaacts!

Wood is a strong, fibrous material used for a wide variety of construction and household purposes. Ever versatile, wood can be cut, shaped and joined to produce items ranging from load-bearing beams, to furniture, to children's toys. There are many different types of wood, including Beech Wood, Oak Wood, and Mahogany Wood. You can tell the different types of wood apart by looking at them because they look different. My favourite wood is Teak Wood. Why not ask your friends what their favourite wood is. I bet it's teak.

Wooood Faacts!

Collect the set!

We interrupt this song for more incredible fun facts from the world of wood.

Wooood Faaacts!

Wood is made from "trees", which can be found on their own, or in larger groups known by wood experts like myself as "forests" or "woods". Developed from baby-trees called "seeds", trees can grow up to quite large, depending on the type of tree, or "tree-type". At this point, they selflessly give up their lives so that you, the consumer, can enjoy the comfort and convenience of wood. [chuckle] Don't worry - trees don't mind being agonisingly cut into pieces! Because as non-sentient life-form they don't feel pain! Much. Probably.

Wooood Faaacts!

We interrupt this song, basically just to annoy you.

Wooood Faaacts!

Many celebrities are known to use wood. Anthony Hopkins famously acknowledged his debt to wood in his Oscar speech. Jamie Lee Curtis has a wooden chair and is also rumoured to have a table made of a wood-like substance known as "plastic". Edward Woodward is constructed entirely of wood and badger spit. And of course Nicole Kidman likes nothing better than sticking short planks of wood right up her...

Wooood Faaacts!

We interrupt this song to apologise for the excessive interruptions caused by our series of fun facts. We do hope it has not adversely affected your listening enjoyment.

Yeeesss. Sooorreey.

We interrupt this song to warn you we will be interrupting it shortly for yet more fun facts about wood.

We interrupt this song to stop you recording it onto tape you dirty little pirate.

Wooood Faaacts!

Wood was invented in 1921 by Lord Alfred J. Wood, who named it after his wife Wood. Originally devised as a cheap substitute for children, it became fashionable to make furniture, clothes and food out of wood during the reign of Edward "the wooden king".

We interrupt this item because we have nothing better to do with our pathetic little lives. [pause] Carry on.

...kinds of modern wood can be harder than diamond, but be careful of "Fool's Wood", and cheap forged wood with which disreputable wood dealers have been known to trick the unwary.

Wooood Faaacts!

We interrupt this song to bring you this important interruption.

Wooood Faaacts!

Erm. I, er... hmm. I... like... wood.

Wooood Faaacts!