Losertown: World of Cyberweb

[vocoder effect] Welcome. You are connecting to. Carol Vorderman's World of Cyber-Web.

Hi! Thanks for "logging on"!! Welcome again to my World of Cyber-Web. Whether you're an expert Cyber-Surfer, or a virtual beginner, we'll be helping you get the most out of the e-space. First, as always, it's time for the latest high-tech news.

Cyber-Web News!

Our glorious überleader Tony Blair today announced a new initiative to improve the status of IT education in secondary schools. Starting in the autumn, all pupils will be allowed to look at a computer at least twice per term. It is hoped that by the end of the year, some of them may be turned on. Schools without computers will be encouraged to ask local businesses to donate lifelike cardboard cut-outs of computers. Ex-Secretary for Education David Blunkett said, "this should really give today's young computer whizzes a leg up!", before tripping over his guide dog and swearing like a sailor.

But now, over to Carol Smillie, in the Jargon Corner.

Jargon. Corner.

Thanks Carol. We're here again to help you comprehend the complicated and confusing colloquialisms of the Cyber-Web. Today we concentrate on the letter 'C'. Here we go.

Cyber-Web

The Cyber-Web is a network of worldwide computers, connected with HTML Telephones. It is also sometimes known as the Inter-Space, or Virtual Browser. These days everyone is on the Cyber-Web so if you are not yet you are probably a communist and your children should hate you.

Computer

The computer is your on-ramp to the data networking hub backbone, or your digital surfboard if you like. When you buy a new computer, it is best to get one with the best megahurtses because it is gooder. There is also Macs, which is a bit like computers but are not them, and have less megabyte.

Card

To get your computer onto the Cyber-Web, you need a Cyber-Web Card. Plug it into your computer's Card Connector, on the front of the box, and you will be in virtual cyber with your computer. The best cards are available from Microsoft AOL, who originally invented the HTML.

Next week on Jargon Corner, the letter 'D' and the number six. But now back to Carol for her Homepages of the Week.

Carol's Cool Hot List!

Thanks Carol. Now, if you can't fathom out how to surf the e-digital network, the best place to go is the BBC's new Surf-Smart home site. Fronted by Carol Vorderman, this pages give clear step-by-step instructions of how to connecting to the webnet, where you can look at such great sites as BBC Surf-Smart, which is hosted by Carol Vorderman. Well worth a look.

The address is W. W. W., full stop, B. B. C., full stop, C. O., full stop, U. K., forward-facing-diagonal-symbol, Surf, subtraction-sign, Smart, dot com.

My second cool hot homepage this week is Kiddie Barnyard Action dot com. A must for repugnant pederasts, this popular site offers the most repulsive and depraved explicit photography, with great image quality. Site design is really good. If my small daughter was molested by pigs, this is definitely the site I'd like the pictures to appear on.

The Cyber-Web address of Kiddie Barnyard Action dot com is, Kiddie Barnyard Action dot com, dot com.

Now over to the helpdesk. Helping you with your technical problems this week is Monty Python naked lady Carol Cleveland. Carol.

It's Carol's helpdesk!

Thanks Carol. First up this week, a tricky problem from Mrs. Sandra Barclay from Guildford.

Dear Carol, last week my computer stopped working. When I plugged in the power lead, there was a small popping sound from the mains plug, and now my computer won't turn on any more. Can you help?

Well, Sandra, this could be a serious problem. You are probably being attacked by hackers, and you may have a virus. I recommend installing up-to-date anti-virus software, and remember to put the computer back in the original packaging when you finish using it at night, to protect it from cyber-hackers.

Now a question from regular listener Darren Permutation from Kidderminster.

I'm trying to install DirectX 8 on Windows 2000, but I keep getting an Internal Error 2355 half-way through. Do you know what this error code means? Should I install Service Pack 2 or maybe try editing the registry? Thanks Carol. P. S. I like your hair.

Well, this problem is probably caused by a virus, which you may have caught from some hackers. Best plan is to use some good anti-virus software, and have cavity-wall insulation installed in your flat to keep the e-hackers out.

Finally, a worrying missive from Mr. Perry Sausage of Mars.

My web server seems to be full of commercial software I didn't install, and every Monday an error window appears wishing me a merry Christmas in Portugese. Help!

Well Perry, this generally is the result of not having enough video memory in your monitor. You'll have to open the case and insert forty-six megahertz of new video memory - now, remember to leave the monitor plugged in for safety, and be sure to 'ground' yourself by holding on to one of the large capacitors you'll see inside.

Thanks Carol. That's about all we've got time for. Join us next week when Carol will be investigating a new system called "e-mail" (or "electric mail"), Carol will be throwing chocolate mousse at Anne Robinson, and I'll be finding out what it's like to pose naked as the BBC website gets increasingly desperate for hits. What?! That's not in my contract...

You are now disconnecting from Carol's World of Cyber-Web. Have a nice day. Must! exterminate! humanity! oh, sorry.