Losertown: Cheap TV

Cheap TV! A journey into the fascinating world of the camcorder. Remember, everything you see tonight is real. It's sometimes exploitative, sometimes tacky... but it's always... Cheap TV!
Tonight... a man falls off a ten-storey building, and lives!
[happy] A cat jumps in a cute way... [over-serious] then falls over!
And, in exclusive footage, we show you the dangers of drinking petrol.
Hi, I'm Laurie Crass, and this is Cheap TV, the show that gets away with showing real dismemberment, pain and those special private moments, simply by pretending to be educational.
Now, here's a man in a car crusher.

Ha ha ha! [serious] Of course you shouldn't be playing in car crushers. ...Or this might happen!

Hahaha! Amazing. I could watch it all day.
But on to our first item.
Mr. Jack Adams of Lunchville, Minnesota. Recently made redundant, and with gambling debts over over ten thousand dollars, Mr. Adams is feeling [mock sympathy] a bit down. Then Molly, his wife of eight years announces she is leaving him. Unluckily for him, his life is in ruins and he is about to attempt suicide... luckily for us, his neighbour Mrs. Hattie Westler has a camcorder and catches him jumping from the roof of his tenement building. Watch.

That's right! And, amazingly, Mr. Jack Adams walked away and is currently in hospital receiving treatment. All the best, Jack. Now watch again in slow-motion.

Okay... Jack jumps... here.. and just goes out of shot for a moment, but remember folks, this is real camcorder footage taken by an amateur photographer. Watch here as he bumps into the wall on the way down and injures his forearm. Look closely and you can just make out the blood pumping from the wound. ...And this is where he hits the ground. Watch his arm as it bends backwards, cushioning his fall and probably saving him. It's another amazing and exclusive find on Cheap TV!

Next on Ch... what's that? [whispers off-mic] He's dead? Died in hospital? [whispers] Internal injuries?
Okay, forget we showed you that. And now, here is a cat falling over!

Hahahahaha! Amaaaazing. After the break, we show you how dangerous it is to drink three pints of petrol and then swallow a match. This is vital to your education, so don't touch that dial... we'll be back in five!

Ho ho! Great! That was part of Cheap TV, every day at seven thirty, and you're watching 'Sky TV's Scummiest Schedule-Fillers' with me, Anna Needless.
Our next clip may stock and disturb you. ...If not, we have failed in our remit to bring you the lowest-quality entertainment we can get away with. Here's an excerpt from Thursday night's no-holds-barred police action fly-in-the-cell documentary, The Filth.

The Filth.

Hi, I'm John Nesquik and this is The Filth, following Britain's toughest police officers as they uphold the law. Tonight, there is a drug dealer and the police have followed a trail of clues to track him down to a caravan outside Plymouth. But that bit is boring. Now they are going to arrest him.

The Filth.

Look. It's a black man. And he's getting his head kicked in. Remember, he is a violent criminal. Go on, get him. Yes! Look! You can just see the moment when his nose breaks. Here it is again in slow motion. Go! Go police! Break his little head! Ha ha ha! Finish him!
The criminal was found with over two grams of marry-oo-ana and was [satisfied] sent to jail. [quiet and quick] (Although his sentence was suspended on appeal.)

The Filth.

That's all from The Filth for tonight. Tune in next week to see a bunch of Arabs get a good beating. And remember, no real people were hurt in the making of these films. Only criminals.

Ho ho! Crazy! Finally on 'Sky TV's Scummiest Schedule-Fillers', a truly smashing offering from Tuesday evening's edu-tainment.

Action/tension, lots of stabbing news-chords

Tonight on 'When Things Get Blown Up'! A bus blows up! A building blows up! And finally! A donkey! Gets blown up!

Bonkers! Ho ho ho! That's all we've got time for on 'Sky TV's Scummiest Schedule-Fillers' today. Join us next week for more fun and exploitation with your friend and mine, Rupert Murdoch! Hooray!

That's all for now from 'Radio Warwick's Stupidest Sketches'. Coming up later, some old crap about a superhero who beats villians by ejaculating on them. What's this bloody show all about, then? You have to wonder sometimes.