Losertown: Dead Celebrities

...and Mr. Milosevic was said... to... er... I'm sorry... we're just... getting reports...

<suppressed snigger>

No. It's a celebrity death, and you look really insensitive now. That is, we've just received reports that a minor celebrity, has died. The celebrity, who co-presented many well-loved daytime programmes on BBC2, was found dead this lunchtime after an overdose of marmalade. The presenter, who once shared the cover of the Radio Times with Tim Vine, was 43.

Later on we'll be bringing you hastily-prepared tributes from ordinary members of the public whose lives were touched because they once saw the celebrity on in Countdown's dictionary corner. People passing the studio will be prodded into professions of intense grief and genuine tears, despite having never met the celebrity, who, like all celebrities, was ambitious and cruel.

There'll be more on the death later in this bulletin...

...a country mourns following the death of the minor celebrity. Then the nation goes back to doing the ironing and watching telly. But who is to fill the gaping hole in the nation's heart...

[under breath] wrong, again...

...sorry, I'll read that again. Who is to fill the gaping hole in the nation's TV schedules?

The celebrity, though never truly famous, was gregarious - and promiscuous - enough to ensure placement on many high-quality BBC programmes, including popular shows "Garden Makeover Dating Challenge" and "Who's got the Biggest Bottom".

You'd be good at that.

[under breath] So unprofessional.
Later we'll be hearing from a range of resting actors who will mysteriously turn out to be close friends of of the celebrity, and will be competing for the newly-vacated presenting jobs by producing the most convincing performance of grief.

And, the celebrity's name is...

J... [cut]

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Celebrity deaths are null and void in case of murder.

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