Cross-over episode
This part of the RaW Breakfast Crew cross-over episode starts with the crew of Starmageddon's Solar Plexus, who have just run into a vessel armed with crispy cod fillet...
Major
...What? Open a channel!
#1
We can't.
Woof
Their vessel communicates using a primitive communications protocol
known as Medium Wave, sir.
Major
Can't we re-align the polaron converters? Adjust the neutron
collectors?
Doctor
Reverse the tachyon enhancers? Remove the baryon trousers?
Woof
No.
Major
Bugger.
#1
None of our high-tech on-board equipment can pick it up. We didn't see
the need - nobody ever listens on Medium Wave.
Major
Oh. We'll have to beam them up, then.
Woof
Aye aye.
SFX
Beaming up noise
Music
Birdseye bed (633 Squadron)
Birdseye
Ahoy there! I'm Captain Birdseye!
Kids
Yay!
Birdseye
Are you enjoying our little holiday in the Bermuda Triangle, children?
Kids
Yay!
Billy
Captain?
Birdseye
Yes, little Billy?
Billy
Where's the sea gone?
Birdseye
What?
Katie
Yes. Listen... I can't hear the sea any more, can you? And the boat's
stopped rocking. Billy hasn't been sick for a whole five minutes.
Billy
No. But I have had an accident in my pants, Captain. Sorry.
Birdseye
Aar.
Katie
Captain! I think we may have been...
All
Dah, dah, daahhh!
Katie
...kidnapped by aliens and taken aboard their ship to be subjected to
hideous torture!
Birdseye
Aar.
Billy
I don't want to have torture!
Birdseye
Aar.
Katie
Captain, hurry! What will we do?
Birdseye
...aar.
Katie
[through gritted teeth] Make a decision, Captain. Now.
Birdseye
I know! Let's go out and do some fishing!
Kids
Yay!
Katie
Christ.
SFX
Door opening
Birdseye
Come on, kids!
Woof
Halt, and identify yourself!
Birdseye
Ahoy there! I'm Captain Birdseye!
Kids
Yay!
Woof
[irritated] Please... [controlled] please keep your little [about to
use a rude word]... children under control.
Billy
Captain, what's that man supposed to be?
Katie
[scared] He's an alien! Come to perform evil experiments on us! Oh no!
Not again!
Billy
No he's not! He's just a man with cardboard on his forehead.
SFX
tearing the card off
Billy
See?
Woof
Argh! Desist! Mr. Birdseye, I strongly request you remove these
wretches from my spaceship, before I am forced to shoot them!
Major
Now now, calm down Mr. Woof. These are our guests...
Birdseye
Hang on, did you say space-ship?
#1
That's right. Welcome to the Solar Plexus.
Birdseye
But where are the nets? How do you catch fish in space? ...Are they...
star-fish?
Major
Erm. It doesn't quite work like that.
Doctor
Let's take you all on a tour of the ship!
Kids
Yay!
Woof
Step out of line and I'll hurt you with my battle stick.
#1
Mr. Woof?
Woof
Yes?
#1
Shut up.
Music
Pause with fade bed up
Woof
...this is the windscreen wiper button... no, don't press that!...
and this is...
Billy
Ooooh!
#1
That's the emergency make-the-ship-plummet-into-the-nearest-planet
control.
Billy
What does this do?
SFX
Click
Computer
Emergency make-the-ship-plummet-into-the-nearest-planet mode
activated.
Birdseye
Oh, bugger.
Billy
Sorry Captain.
Major
Oh dear. What's that on the monitor, number one?
#1
It looks like a typical student house in the West Midlands, sir. To
me, anyway.
Doctor
And we're heading straight for it!
All
Aaaaaarrrrrghhhhh!
...at which point the action switches to the gang at Maxwell's House, which Mark will be writing...