A map has been procured
Narrator
It's the adventures of Captain Birdseye! The story so far... the
Captain and his crew of little gits are looking for a treasure map.
So they can find some treasure. So they can be dead rich. See?
Captain
Ahoy there! I'm Captain Birdseye!
Kids
Yay!
Captain
Aar! A map, a map, my kingdom for a map!
Billy
Ooh, do you have a kingdom captain?
Captain
[defensive] Yes.
Katie
No Captain - think about Billy's question again. Think hard - do
you really have a kingdom?
Captain
[beat] I've got a boat.
Katie
It's not a very good one. And if you swapped it for a map you
wouldn't be able to sail to the place on the map.
Captain
Lucky I've got some booty to trade instead then.
Katie
It's called money.
Captain
Booty.
Katie
Anyway, are you sure you can get treasure maps from the
shops?
Captain
You can get anything at the department store Katie!
Billy
Captain?
Captain
Mm?
Billy
Can I get a new mummy? [pause]
SFX
Bing!
Lift voice
Third floor. Menswear, stationery, class A drugs, tea cosies, love,
wallpaper, mummies, daddies and pirate treasure maps.
SFX
Lift door opening; department store atmosphere, then fade
Captain
Come on, me shipmates! Maps department is hard a port there!
Billy
[beat] Which way's that?
Captain
...left.
Billy
[pause] Which way's that?
Music
Pause; music up, atmosphere down for a bit, then back; try to line up
with music cues
Percy
Oo arr. I'm Percy the Pirate. Welcome to the treasure maps department.
Katie
'Oo arr'? That's a farmer, isn't it?
Percy
I'm an agricultural pirate. I sow wheat and breed cattle. In my boat.
Look, do you want a map or not?
Captain
Aye, we do. What have you got?
Percy
Well, the Rapide 2000 Ultra Mega Plus Super Plus Plus is a very
popular choice, sir. Laminated splashproof core, advanced treasure
location system, with the latest in spot-marking technology.
Captain
It's an X.
Percy
Ex-actly. Or how about the Bounty-Matic Plus Plus Plus Plus Plus?
Captain
What's that got?
Percy
It's got five pluses.
Captain
I'll take it!
Percy
Oo arr. Me hearties. That'll be two hundred pieces of eight. Er, and a
hundredweight of sileage.
Captain
[confused] How much?
Percy
... fifteen ninety-nine.
Captain
Do you take Switch?
Percy
Thank you sir. Here... and that comes with a two-year guarantee.
Captain
Aye aye!
Katie
That's not a map, Captain! That's a crude drawing of a boy's willy,
with 'a boy's willy' written under it, in green crayon.
Percy
Oh! Sorry. I gave you the wrong piece of paper. Here's the map.
Captain
Ta. Hey kids, let's go have a look at the new Haddock Plus range in
the fish department!
Billy
I want the Tettilubbies.
Narrator
More exciting adventures with Captain Birdseye next time!
Percy
Er! Excuse me! Can I have my picture back? Please?