Losertown: Captain Birdseye 10

It's the adventures of Captain Birdseye! Aided by Lieutenant Ross and Fleet Commander Findus, the noble captain speeds toward his appointment with destiny, his final showdown with the evil forces behind the kidnapping of his fish-style recipes. Now is his final test; today we discover whether Captain Fishy is a man; a person of distinction; a true seeker... or just a nob with an unhealthy interest in fish. It's dead exciting, and everything! Listen!

Ahoy there! I'm Captain Birdseye!

[pause] Why did you just say that?

Aar. I don't know.

Oh, by the way, we've arrived at the dark and mysterious oil rig where the fish fingers are.

Oh good.

Lieutenant Ross, are you still here?

Yes Sir!

Oh okay. I just noticed you hadn't said anything in this sketch.

Well I don't have anything to do, and I'm not really a very interesting character. (Sir.)

Well why don't you go home then?

Oh okay, bye.

Exciting!

Aar. It is very dark and scary.

Nah, there's nothing to be af...

No! Findus!

<groan> It's too late for me, John. Just promise me one thing.

Anything!

Find this evil fish finger thief... and... for my sake... bring him to justice. <dies>

Oh. All right, then.

Exciting!

Hello? Anyone there!... Ahoy there!... I'm Captain Birdseye!

Oh no my friend. I'm Captain Birdseye. ...Ahoy.

Dah, dah, daah!

Aar! The Old Captain Birdseye! They said... they said you were dead!

[angered] No! Not the old Captain Birdseye - the true Captain Birdseye! A real sailor, with a real sailor's beard. They locked me up in this oil rig, alone for years, powerless but to watch as a wretched impostor runs around with my name without so much as a moustache; just pathetic stubble, like some sort of escapee from a Gilette advert.

Who locked you up?

The Birds Eye lawyers. They said they wanted a younger demographic.

What's a demographic?

I don't know. ...But I never gave up. For years I have planned your demise. I knew I could lure you here with the old 'stolen fish finger recipe' gag - it was the standard plot for my adventures. And now, you have fallen into my trap! There is no escape! You will die! And I will reign the seas again! Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, dear.

Die! Die!

The following scene has been cut because it was found to be too exciting. The Breakfast Crew have had many complaints that the serial 'The Adventures of Captain Birdseye' is far too exciting, and has been causing hyperactivity in young children, and in some extreme cases, death by explosion. Do remember to listen with care if you are liable to spontaneous combustion. And if your kids explode it's not our fault. Anyway, the Captain triumphed over the Old Captain Birdseye.

Hooray. I am victorious. Aar.

The end.

Ahoy there Captain Birdseye! I'm from Birds Eye food products, I'm just popping in to say we won't be requiring your services any more.

What? But... sales are booming!

Well, we found out we can make more money without a jolly promotional character, just by doubling the price and calling them fish steaks instead of fish fingers. Quite easy really.

Bugger.

Bye bye now!